Arm Pit Candy

As Brian leaned in to kiss me hello after a long day of work, I caught a whiff of SOMEthing just AWFUL! A sickeningly sweet, thick odor surrounded me in a  green cloud of nastiness.  "Oh my GOD what IS that?!" I said in my 'I'm gonna die if that smell enters my nostrils and attaches itself to my brain' voice (aka 'stuffed up nose' voice).
"What? I don't smell anything."
I shrugged and stirred the spaghetti I was preparing for dinner. I didn't smell the offending odor again until he hugged me and thanked me for a yummy dinner during our post-meal clean up. ( I know, RIGHT?! He's too good for words!) To Brian's sweet, and satisfied thanks I responded, "UGH GET AWAY FROM ME!!" I covered my mouth and nose with my hands.  "YOU SMELL LIKE LIKE- LIKE A CAN OF RED BULL THATS GONE SKUNKY!! GOOD LOORRRD WHAT IS THAT?!

He chuckled like a rotten kid and said he didn't smell anything.
"Well, I didn't either," I said from behind by garlic and tomato scented hands "until you just hugged me. OH! And when you first got home. UGH!! WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE OLD LADY CANDY?! Oh GOD, YOU'RE DISGUUUSTING!!'

Before y'all lay into me about being overly dramatic (who? ME!? NEVAH!!!) keep in mind that I am super-sensitve to smells and just about ANY and EVERYthing can ignite a migraine and lay me out for two or three days. So my outrageous reaction to Brian's odd and offending scent of choice is MORE than warranted.

Brian just shrugged and said that what I might be smelling might be his NEW deodorant.
"WHAT?! WHAT 'NEW' DEODORANT?!? I DIDN'T APPROVE ANY 'NEW' DEODORANT! YOU KNOW ALL HOUSEHOLD AND BODY SCENTS HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME FIRST!" Again, before you label me a crazy, controlling bitch please re-read the above paragraph re: smells and headaches. I'll wait...

Done? Great. Let's move on.

"How about if I change my shirt?" Brian offered sweetly.
I agreed that that MIGHT help.

After the undershirt chagne, I didn't smell that god-awful odor anymore, but he was on the couch and I was across our small tv room lounging on the recliner so I wasn't close enough, either. UNTIL BEDTIME. As I went to snuggle him I found myself embattled in  an unrelenting onslaught  attack upon my olfactory senses.

"Brian!!" I flailed and thrashed my way out from under the covers and out of bed. Once again I covered my nose and mouth. "GO WASH YOUR STINKY PITS!!'

This grown up 40 year old man I call 'mine all mine'  once again giggled like an 8 year old  boy who had farted but blamed it on his lil sister. "I DID wash em!" he protested through his rotten giggles.

"No way!! You washed those stinky pits with SOAP?!"
"Well, I mean... I RINSED em. With water."
'WATER?!" I cried, outraged. "Is that deodorant also an antipersperant?!" I demanded.
"Uhhhhhhhh. yeah?"
"THEN IT IS WATERPROOF, BRIIII-YUUUNNNNN-NUH!!!"
HE argued that nuh-uhh it was NOT waterproof.
"Oh no? Well answer me THIS; what IS sweat? ? Is it not water that comes out of your body?! AND IS THAT STINKY, SMELLY RANCID HALLOWEEN CANDY SCENTED STUFF THAT IS ABSOULTELY WAFTING OUT FROM UNDER YOUR ARMS STILL ON SAID BODY??!! Yes, Brian. Yes. It. Is. And do you know why?! "Because IT IS WATERPROOF!"

"FINE!" He relented. "I'll go wash it off!! For real!"
I followed him AND supervised. He was laughing at my Drema Death Stare and the fact that I was sitting on a toliet lid watching him wash his arm pits at 11:30 at night. "Well! We  wouldn't BE in this awkward sitch if you hadn't made  poor and unauthorized decisions about the scent of your personal hygiene products now would we?"

When he was done, he asked me to sniff his armpits. "Ummm noooo. I will trust that they are Spring Clean freshy- fresh now and that you no longer smell like church candy found in the bottom of some dead old lady's purse. Let's go to bed now."

And I dreamed a delightful dream of meadows and rainbows with no arm pit candy in sight- or smell!

A Migraine, Mr. Muzak, and Special Santa

Being functional while having a migraine is probably not unlike what a new born vampire must feel. Senses are heightened.  Insticts are more keenly felt and the need for survival is overwhelming, yet the want of sweet, sweet death isn't far away.  Emotions are charged as well. Something small that may only have been  merely bothersome under normal human circumstaces is now an event worth sobbing over. A slightly humorous event causes a fit of hysterical laughter,. Someone pisses you off and you very vividly imagine ripping their annoying-as-hell, ugly little head off and violently chewing it up like a piece of bubble gum from a quarter candy machine. 

For the past four days -and counting- I have had the misfortune of experincing  such a migraine headache while trying to help  coordinate two of the major events of the season at the mall, where I am employed with the Marketing Department: The Family Holiday Fashion Show,  and our Special Santa event for people with special needs.

On Friday I was miserable but I let Jen, my coworker, take the  reigns of the planning process. She usually does anyway, and she always does a great job.

But then...SATURDAY happened. And all unholy hell broke loose, literally AND figuratively, in my head.  Arriving "promptly" @ 8;45, a mere 15 minutes late, I clocked in and noticed that I had more trouble than usual lining up my time card. BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE IT. I was expereincng a werid visual distortion. A "sun spot" as I call it, had appered before my eyes, as if I had looked into a light or at the sun too long. Which I had not. Shruggin it of, I gathered up my promotional cart of Sensory Friendly goodies (squishy balls, splat eggs, bowls of dried beans and noodles and SO MUCH MORE!) and held on for dear life as I dragged the thing to my station behind Santas House. On the way, I crashed into the walls and doorways , becuase I was so dizzy and couldn't see, but dammit I made it there. I was quietly setting up my Sesnory Friendly Waiting Room for Special Santa when all of a sudden, the Muzak BLASTED over the loud speakers. I dropped my  bowl of dried beans. The clattering of the beans along with the heinous Muzak was absolute thunder ripping through my head. I covered my ears and tried to breathe, thinkin it was only THAT loud to me. Then one of my helpers gingerly tapped my shoulder. I unsquinted one eye to see that she was also covering her ears. "Isn't that sposed to be OFF?" she yelled over the din of "White Christmas"reverberating through my soul.  I just STARED at her and realized she could hear the noise, too. I nodded. The music in the mall was to be turned off duirng Special Santa. I called Margi, my boss so she called the Muzak guy and after thorughly chewing him out, she called me back assuring me the offending sound would be silenced for the remainder of the morning.

 WRONG. A few mintues later, the music overhead swelleld again. I contacted Margi, she in turn, contacted the Muzak guy. This happened three more times, each event tearing thru my ears and soul like a  hellish banshee screaming her demonic wail of terror. The last time, when we were  assaulted with Barbara Streisnad's GOD AWFUL jazz version of  "Jingle Bells" I took  matters into my OWN very shaky and sick hands. I texted Margi, "Music on. I'm hunting down Mr. Muzak now. I'm on zofran, pain killers, and ibuprofin. The police mught just have to taze me to pull me off this guy."  I sprinted (aka walked very quickly and with purpose. Momma don't run) to the Muzak closet and upon finding the sound board  abandoned, I  summoned up all of my strength and womanly powers ala She-Ra and PUNCHED!! all  off the ON switches  to "OFF"!! I then wrote a very seriel killer -esque note  to the Muzak guy:

LEAVE  THE MUSIC OFF!!!!!
Until 11:00.

 Which i taped to  the Muzak closet door before slamming it shut. I also accosted poor Mr. Muzak when I ran into him in the hallway. "HEY! HEY YOU!!! LEAVE THE MUSIC OFF!"

"It IS off, ma'am." he said skittishly.
"I KNOW  IT IS BECASUE I TURNED IT OFF!!" I roared as I sped past him back to the Sensory Friendly Waiting Room at Santa's house.

Other than that Muzak blip, Special Santa went remarkably well. I got a high five AND a fist pump from a cute lil boy with Down's Syndrome. I also  got to play in some beans with another cute baby boy with Down's who was sporting a  MOHAWK! Shut up, that was the CUTEST thing I have ever seen in all of my days. . I think. It'ss hard to tell when there is a swirling, pulsating wide blue dot in the middle of your field of vision.

Right  after Santa was over I had to switch into Fashion Mode and assist a young model in exchanging  her clothes, an HOUR before the show was to start. The store had opted to put this very young teen in a "biker mom" ensemble complete with studded, spiked black heels, and a leather jacket  which resembeled 18 year old  Sandy's bad girl jacket  in the finale of "Grease". Ummmmm NOOOO.   *I* disapproved IMMEDIATELY.  Upon hearing my words of disdain and disapproval, the skinny and surly store manager's  head spun around, and she got the crazy swirly red eyes of insanity  I'm not kidding. that happened for real. Pretty sure...

On auto-pilot by this point, I was the picture of professionalism, tact and grace as all the head bobbing attitude and vile words of condemnation and frustration spewed my way from the ridiculously serious store manager. Eventually, after I turned  down jeans ripped up to THERE and Hatler top after BAND-DOOO top (It's french, BITCH and it's pronounced,  "Band-O")  the inappropriate outfit was exchanged for a pretty, age appropraite one, with FLAT shoes and lovely winter white overcoat.  FINALLY, I fled that store in hopes of sitting down and chugging some much needed caffiene (caffiene helps migraines but I also can't SLEEP when I have a migraine so I REALLY needed that coffee and sugar rush) but nope. Another model had issues with her clothes (yes they try them on days before, but these are GIRLS we are talking about so there is ALWAYS drama!) so I was off to yet another store. This particular  store, known for their all-american style and silly commercials with 'live' mannequins was MUCH easier to work with and very undestanding that certain things happen last minute and were VERY accomodating.

So with THAT taken care of, I was off in search of coffee. Till I got stopped AGAIN. No coffee for me, time to start the show. I have very little recollection of the actual show, to tell you the truth. I know it went very well though!!!

By the time I got home, I felt like I had been run over by a truck(AGAIN!!) , tossed into the air and after landing on a guard rail, I then fell backward over a cliff and bounced all the way down before plunging into a  body-smashing, violent river of rapids and after figithing my way OUT of the murky, swirling water,  a giant hawk grabbed me in her cold, death-grip-of-death (yeah thats right) of her talons, her giant black iron claws cutting into my tender flesh, only to drop me hard on the ground because I was tooo squirmy and not worth the effort of hauling me to her nest, awaitng her dino sized babies to hatch out of their enomous eggs and eat me. THAT is HOW AWFUL I felt fter leaving the mall yesterday. Not one lil bit of exaggeration. Nope. Not one bit.

I am feeling better today, btw.  Less "new vampire" and more like the "fat, old Summer " I'm getting used to feeling like. The migraine is almost gone and I am spending the day with my baby girl for some much needed rest and relaxation. Also, my daughter Gillian is sick today. (GILLIAN) Hope I feel better! (SUMMER) I hope so too, baby!

Hermie the Skunk Hunter

My mom and dad have lived in the same house, in the same neighborhood for all but 2 of my 35 years of life. And many of the inhabitants of  their lil neighborhood's tucked-away block have been there quite a while as well. So when anyone from our family sees a stranger 'round the old homestead, our interests are piqued.

Today, Holly, Baby Harry, Gilly and  I met someone new as we were outside taking a mini walk up and down Elm St.

"There a skunk around here?" we heard from behind.

Holly and the baby (ummm I feel compelled to mention that "Baby" Harry is a  GIANT 2 year old!) and I spun around to face the inquring voice. Gillian was a lil bit ahead of us and came running back.

To our surpise, a sprightlly elderly gentleman, perched upon an older-model bicycle  was the source of the question. He was dressed in a smart white and blue-striped button down dress shirt and creased khakis. Well-worn loafers ensconsed his feet, one perched on a bike pedal, the other balancing on the asphalt road.  To me, he looked like a modern day, real-life version of Hermie the rogue elf from  the  Rankin and Bass  classic (AND TERRIFYING)claymation Chrsitmas special, Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer.

"Yeah, I can SMELL him!" Gillian piped up, delighted. She ADORES skunks. She even loves  the nose-hair-singeing stench of skunk.  Weirdo.

"Weel, you wanna trap 'im?!"asked Real-life  Hermie, all excited-like.
Holly and I LOOKed at each other and had a silent conversation:

"TRAP a Skunk?! I can barely change his diaper!" Holly said in my head, eyeballing her Newfoundland Hound- sized toddler.

"I know, right? Who IS this guy?!"

"Do we look like wild mountain women?!" We both appraised our apparel. Me in a workaday pair of black capirs and tasteful black and white top,  my sis in a fashionable orange tank and classy jeans.

"NO!" we  silently sang out.

"Ummmmm...errr..." I stammered politely at the bike-bound stranger. "Well," he said "lemme know!" as he pedalled away he called back to us, "There's lotsa critters around here! We caught some racoons over there by the river! Got us a skunk down by *unitelligible* so just ...lemme know!"

Another silent communication:
Me, "What the HELL?!'
Sis, "I KNOW! Who ASKS strangers, PRETTY strangers (my sis is nothing if not modest) to WRESTLE WILD LIFE?! "

"You'll set him free, right?! If you trap  the skunk?!" I called aloud  to Real Life Hermie's quickly disappearing back.

"Yeah! Ok! Sure!"

"Like I am sure you set the racoons free!?" I screeched desperately in his direction. He held up a silent wave in response, pacifying me.

I mean , what did I expect? Claymation Hermie PULLED the TEETH of the ABOMINAL SNOWMAN in order to render him harmless.

Skunk Rasslin'!! On a WEEKday?! No thanks! Clearly I have more important things to do. Like post a new blog. :)

My Little Brony

Gillian was very excited to buy a new video game with her own money. As the tall, scrawny, glasses-clad 20-something 'kid' rang up our purchase my daughter noticed a My Little Pony figurine prancing lifelessly under the register's screen. "Hey! It's Pinkie Pie!"
"That's mine, actually." said the previously mentioned ADULT MALE Toys R Us employee. "And do you know who THIS is?"  He then pointed to  a smallish (think Happy Meal Toy)  bright pink and purple pony glittering garishly from a long, thick silver chain around his neck. "Ummmm yeahhh.. uhhhh she LOOKS FAMILiarrr.." Gillian's brow furrowed in concentration. "It's Purple-Nurple, of course!" Ok, her name wasnt Purple Nurple but I dont know WHAT he said! AND THEN, he pointed to a THIRD PONY in the form of a TIE PIN tacked to his employee badge lariat. "And THIS," he said proudly, "is Trixie. I am a HUGE Trixie fan." LAter he showed us his MLP-clad iPhone cover, as well as the  screen saver on his phone, which was, OF COURSE,  an image of Trixie. He went on to describe the ENTIRE culture of the MLP phenomenon. He  boasted "We're the new Trekkies!" He even informed me that Q from Star Trek:The Next Generation was a GUEST voice and basically played Q in pony form.
"So how did you get in to all of this?" WHAT THE CRAP?! WHY DID YOU JUST ASK THAT YOU STUPID, STUPID NOSY WOMAN!!! I yelled at myself from the safety of my head as I smiled a seemilngly engaging, but really totally devoid of joy pageant smile his way. Smiling. Another big mistake. THat just made him tell me about very specific episodes. "And one time somepony-"
"Did you just say 'somepony?' "
"Yeah, one time somepony" did something really cute and funny and the fanbase went wild which led to more cute and funny stuff.
"My Little Pony...blah..blah..blah..artwork. It's magical...good, strong life lessons.... and my fellow Bronies, I'm a Brony, that's guys who like the show we all...." OH I had to bite my tounge HARD to NOT make a snide comment about THAT one!! BROnies? I looked around for a Candid Camera. This guy could NOT be for REAL, COULD he?!

But he was real. Soooooo verrryyy real.

And then, y'all... AND THEEEEEE-UUUUNNNNNNN he started talking-waitforit-about-waaaiiitforit- MY LITTLE PONY -WAIIIIIITFOOORRIIIITTTTT- CONVENTIONS.

WHAT. THE.

This very tall, skinny, grown-ass man, this "Brony" if you will, and you will, who honestly and purely  LOVES  a cartoon originally intended for little girls,  has been to no less than 5 MLP conventions. For him, it's all about collecting, and the artwork of MLP and connecting with other ADULTS worldwide who love the show. He even told me what websites were kid-friendly and which were for the adult fan-base (uh yeah, I'm not letting G on ANY of these websites, btw).  This Brony once went to a convention where 7000!!! people showed up! And it was supposed to be a SMALL convention! He went on to tell me which voice actresses he met and which were his fave eps.

I know what you are thinking. This guy is a perv, a pedophile interested in hurting little girls. But I really don't think so. Number one, he paid little attention to my 9 year old  girl as she was nearby  playing a sample video game. The only time he even really engaged her in the conversation was when she piped up at his mentioning "Derpy" a horsey whose eyes are off kilter (one up, one down). Apparently Derpy was named by the fanbase and is HUGEly popular even tho she rarely has a line, (also, her off-eyes were originally an animation glitch but the fans loved her that way so she stayed all.. derpy, I guess!)  Number two, his face just LIT UP when he was talking about the culture, the show, the characters. Not unlike when Gilly talks about Harry Potter.

Sometimes a Brony is just a Brony, man.  It's as simple as that.

Sweet Genius?!

I just had the pleasure experience of watching the Food Network’s “Sweet Genius” for the first time. Just from the commercials, the host/Genius has always reminded me of a nefarious alien creature from a low-budget horror movie. Yet I was intrigued. And I lost the remote. So I watched some more. And holy cow and I am sooo glad I did. When Mr. Creepy Genius introduced the first challenge ingredient in his oddly unplacable accent, I stopped sorting laundry and gave the TV my undivided attention.  "Made to imitate mother's milk, baby formula is a vitamin-rich source of nutrition."  INFANT frickin FORMULA!!!???  I started taking notes.

The first contestant, the mother of a 10 month old,  actually said these exact words: "That's disgusting. I have a baby. I have tasted formula. It's not anything you'd wanna drink or cook with..."   But I guess the vile concoction is fine for babies. I mean what do they know, right? Shheeeesh. The mom decided to make devil’s food cake because she hoped the bitterness of the strong chocolate would mask the "funky taste of the formula." Which she voluntarily feeds to her infant son every day, several times a day.

Another young contestant who stated she had never tasted infant formula (was she breastfed I wonder?) said it was “gross and chalky.” She decided to make ice cream out of it and use A LOT of vanilla extract in order to mask the infant formula.  

One contender chose to “hide some of that awfulness” by making chocolate mousse.” She also said “Baby formula smells BAAAD” prompting her to use rosewater in her mouse to diffuse the remaining formula flavor.

My favorite moment of the show was when the alien-esque host informed the TV audience that “Baby formula is not cow's milk. It has a totally different composition. It's very low in lactose, high in vegetable oil." Wait, didn't he  say that formula imitates mother's milk? Sooooo I grabbed a bottle of vegetable oil from my pantry. Hmmmmm. According to the label, my Crisco brand PURE VEGETABLE OIL (which had soybean oil listed as the sole ingredient) is "not a significant source of dietary fiber, sugars, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium and iron.”  The ONLY vitamin listed is “Vitamin E 10%.”  Well, maybe on whatever planet HE comes from that is what the baby aliens survive and thrive on. But here on earth, I am 1000000% positive that the milk MY BODY made for MY baby didn’t have ONE DROP of veg oil in it. EV. ER.  Lactose is a sugar that the human body needs to grow, particularly the brain. It should also be noted that the lactose in infant formula does, in fact, come from cow’s milk and does not at all mirror the lactose in human milk.   Just FYI.

Back to the show, Mr. Creepy announced the taste testing portion by saying “I’m  a baby and I want to be fed.”*shudder* Maybe by his vegetable oil-producing alien mother? “That’s disgusting.”

The Homicidal Adventures of Old Christine

By all accounts, it was an average Wednesday afternoon. After running a couple of errands on a busy lunch break, I stopped at home for a quick snack. I was barely out of the truck when that weird, and now all-too-familiar dizzy-but-not-actually-dizzy, feeling set in. This time I didn’t hesitate. I KNEW what was happening: Old Christine had decided that now was the time to take me out, once and for all.  
We have a history, that truck and I. Last summer after parking at a gas station, it ‘slipped’ out of gear and Reversed it’s way toward a busy highway, WITH my Gillian in the small backseat area. That vicious truck’s murderous plans were foiled that summer just as they were last week when it didn’t ‘catch’ park yet again and almost backed itself into another business establishment in our office’s shopping center. That’s when I gave the 1993 green Ford truck the “Old Christine” moniker in homage to Stephen King’s murderous, jealous antique car from the 80’s movie, “Christine.”

But this past Wednesday,  Old Christine, that treacherous, demonic vehicle must have decided to get allll KINDSA serious, because she was rolling down my driveway with a vengeance. And with my right foot still in the cab.  I tried to stop her, but with my driveway being on a slight incline Christine was gaining speed, and fast.  Instinct was to protect my head and face as the open driver’s-side door took me down.  Horror-struck, I watched as Old Christine’s front grill, encrusted with calcified insect carcasses, twisted into a heinous, sly grin, her headlight eyes glaring at me like two giant, cataract-covered orbs of evil. She aimed her big, powerful front tire and CRRRRUUUUNNNCHED it slowly and deliberately over my right foot. A primal wail of pain and anger wrenched from deep within my soul.  With a garbled “NOOOOOOO!” I reached out an arm in Christine’s direction, trying with all my might to summon telekenetic powers and MAKE HER STOP.  I imagined in a panicked frenzy of vivid images that Christine would just keep going. Backward she would roll across the street crashing into houses. All through the neighborhood she would go, leaving nothing in her wake but devastating death and destruction. Undoubtedly that was her ultimate dastardly goal but her old age and decrepit state got the best of her.  Old Christine came to an exhausted stop just across the street in my neighbor’s yard. She heaved a noisy, satisfied sigh and fell silent.

I turned my attention back to my injuries. The pain in my foot was becoming more and more excruciating. It was already swelling up, becoming a sickening patchwork of blues, grays and purples. The bright burgundy spots of blood, where my foot had been ground into the pavement added a whole new level of gruesomeness.  My left knee was also a bloody, bruised mess. Bits of driveway shrapnel was embedded into the  tender skin of my palms. I attempted to get up but I honestly couldn’t figure out how to. There was soooo much pain. So I just started screaming for help. Then it dawned on me as a numb sense of clarity fought its way through the fog of pain:  it was smack in the middle of the work day. No one would be home for HOURS.

 I looked around for my purse, thinking it had been tossed somewhere and then I realized with a frustrated cry that I hadn’t even had the chance to grab it before Christine began her attempt on my life. So that meant no cell phone. I was resigned to the fact that I would stay there, paralyzed in my driveway until SOMEone in the neighborhood came home. Then, as if in slow-motion, a golden chariot soared down from the heavens on a glorious beam of heavenly light.  I watched, dumbstruck, as an angel with jet black hair, sprightly blue eyes and lips as red as the brightest rose sprang forth from the chariot and enveloping me in a comforting, strong embrace. “Oh Deb!” I heard someone say. “Oh Deb I can’t believe it’s YOU!” Wait, that was me talking. And although a miracle for sure, my savior wasn’t a true angel from the heavens (although an angel on earth if ever there was one!) it was Deb, my friend and former co-worker! And around-the-block neighbor! She saw me in my driveway and stopped to say hi.  I was sobbing and blubbering and clinging to her. “Deb! Oh Deb! It was awful! I’m hurt! My truck is trying to KILL me! It ran OVER me!” I sobbed. Deb told me later that she wondered if I was drunk. She didn’t SEE a truck in my driveway and how could a car run me over yet I was sitting up and talking?! I pointed again, this time to my lower limb “My foot, Deb! That stupid truck got my foot! I think it’s broken!”

In a blur of babbling and crying, I realized that the heavenly chariot was in fact, Deb’s gold-colored sedan. She was going to take me to the hospital! I visually examined my foot from the passenger’s seat. It was a mess to say the very least, but I’ll be horn swaggled if my cute lil leopard print K-mart shoe didn’t still look fabulous! Not a scratch on it! Hey, that $5 bargain probably saved my foot! Remind me to send them an email later….

Deb waited with me in the ER until Brian came.  And bless her heart, she was in misery herself as she had burned her hand badly earlier that morning and was just coming back from the doctor’s office  when she rescued me. I owe her MORE than Big Time!

In triage, the cute lil nurses asked confusing questions about my ‘car accident’. “Where was the accident?”

“What accident?”

“Didn’t you get hit by a car?”

“Huh. I guess I did. Huh.”

“Were you wearing a seat belt?”

“No, I wasn’t driving.”

“Someone else was driving?”

“No. My truck ran over my foot. On it’s own. No one was in it.”

After quite a few LOOKS from the staff and more that a few telling questions about my sobriety and the safety of my home life, I was shuffled off to X-ray. Less than an hour later, the doctor gave us the good news that nothing was broken! A horrific sprain and possibly some torn ligaments but no breaks! I was ace-bandaged up and sent on my way with crutches, and a couple of prescriptions for pain.

On the way home, the discussion came around to dinner plans, as it inevitably does. I was tired, cranky and in A LOT of pain. So after  Brian turned down three of my suggestions in a row I verbally bitch-slapped him with “How about since your frickin’ truck RAN OVER ME TODAY you get me whatever the hell I want for dinner?!”  We were quiet for a while after that.

Later, at home, we were surprised by a phone call. It was Deb saying she had dropped off dinner on our front porch! Talk about above and beyond! So Brian was off the hook and didn’t have to get me Thai food after all. But he owes me. A. Lot.

I took the next day off work, per Doctor’s Orders and hobbled back in today, alive and well, if not just a leeeetle more damaged than when my co-workers last saw me.

As for Old Christine, well, she got what she wanted after all. No, I’m not dead, but she IS reunited with her true love. Brian drove her to work today. As he will where ever he goes, because I am NEVER getting in that truck again. Ev. Er. Who knows what would happen if I did. She only got a foot this time. I can’t imagine the damage she would do with a playing field bigger than my driveway…

Gilly's Harry Potter Fan Fic

Part One:

Harry Potter and the

Sorcerer’s Stone (With Me In It)

by Gillian R. Lovetro

　

Chapter 1: Living at Home

In this story, I live with Harry Potter, Aunt Petunia Dursley Unchle Vernon Dursley, and their son, Duddley Dursley. Harry’s parents were killed by Lord Voldemort. Now we live with them. “Up! Get up, now!” says Aunt Petunia. Duddley didn’t know that we were awake, so he said, “Guys, wake up! It’s my birthday and you’re gonna miss all the fun!” So we went out of the cupboard, and came into the kitchen. Aunt Petunia told Harry and I to cook breakfast. “…and try not to burn anything,” said Aunt Petunia. “But Aunt Petunia,” I said. “I can’t cook breakfast. I’m only eight years old. But you, Unchle Vernon, I bet the coffee is already in the pot, so I’ll bring you the coffee, and the coffee milk.” “Why, thank you, Gillian!” said Unchle Vernon. So I gave him the coffee and the coffee milk. Then we went to the zoo. A snake was asleep. “Make it move.” “Move.” “MOVE!” said Duddley. “He’s asleep!” said Harry. “He’s boring,” said Duddley . Then they left to see the other animals. Then, Harry was taking to the snake. But unfortunately, Duddley push Harry out of the way to see the snake. And the glass disappeared and Duddley accidentally fell in. The snake also came out FOR NO REASON. I think it was that he was thanking Harry. “Thanksss.” hissed the snake. I guess I was right! “SNAKE!” said a man. Everyone screamed just like in the movie! But bad news for the Dursleys. Duddly was trapped! Unchle Vernon thought we did it. “Don’t worry, Diddykins,” said Aunt Petunia. “We’ll manage to get you out of these FREEZING cloths…” “WHAT HAPPENED!?” shouted Unchle Vernon. “I swear, I don’t know! The glass just disappeared and I don’t know how!” cried Harry. Later, (maybe like a full 10 minutes later), Aunt Petunia said, “Go get the post now.” “I’ll do it!” I said. I saw our Hogwarts Letters. “Oh boy! I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Hogwarts!” “Oh my God. I just realized something!” “What?” asked Harry. I shouted so loud, the Dursleys could hear me. I shouted, “I’M GONNA MEET HERMIONE!!!” I burst with exitment. Then, I opend the letter.



Dear Miss Lovetro,

Me and Hagrid know that you want to go to Hogwarts so bad, that we’ve decided to let you go.

We heard that you were exited to meet Miss Granger that you want to sing your song “Hermione you’re the one”. We’ll let you sing it when the feast begins. So congratulations!

Sincerely the greatest headmaster at Hogwarts,

Albus Dumbledore

I was exited for this, too. Then, I heard knocking. It was Hagrid! “Hagrid!” I said. “Gilly! So nice to finally meet you!” said Hagrid. “Come on. Let’s get to Diagon Alley. Come on, Harry!” I said. First we went to Gringotts the wizard bank. “Vault 687.” said Griphook. We saw LOADS of money. I want to be rich so bad that I want to take all of it! thought Harry. But he knew he couldn’t, so he took 298 cents. Then we went to Ollivanders. THEN we got our wands. “Time to go to the Hogwarts Express!” I shoutedwe went to platform9/3 4. After that, we went on the train. “See you, Harry!” I said.

Chapter 2: Platform 9/3 4 (Nine Three Quarters)

　





“Remember Harry,” I said. “The train leaves at 11:OO. Okay?” “Got it,” said Harry.

“Where are you going?” asked Harry. “I’m gonna find Hermione.” “Okay. Good luck!” “HERMIONE!?” “Huh?” said Hermione. I couldn’t belive it! I was getting closer! “Her- Hermione? HERMIONE!!!” “Gillian! There’s my favorite YouTuber!”


She had to stop to go take a bath! I will post more as soon as she finishes it! I'm so excited to see how this story turns out!