I screamed like the slutty cheerleader getting her brains eaten in every scary movie ever made. As I sit here typing, I am shaking and quaking, my tummy REALLY hurts and I have a headache. AND I LITERALLY PEED MY PANTS. Forget Mary Poppins. This is way way scarier! My house is INFESTED with the notorious Morteus Cricketicus Maximus. (MCM) AKA: Killer Crickets or Camel Crickets. The lil F-ers shoot laser beams out of their cold, creepy-shiny black eyes and will eat flesh. They can fly and bend time. If you are within three feet of these crunchy creatures of death and destruction, they will begin to control your thoughts as well as your body. They will make you do strange things. Like pee your pants and throw up at the same time.
When I first spotted the terrifying tiny monster this evening, I immediately yelled at my pup (a purebred West Virginia Brown Dog) ,Maybe, NOT to eat it. Only because at first glance the disgusting bug looked like a giant light brown hornet. But then, as I was swattng her away, IT JUMPED!!
When I say I screamed I mean oh my Celestia, I am sure some phone calls were made to 911 because my neighbors had to believe that I was being slaughtered in my own house. I had JUST put my daught3er Gillian to bed, and usually that precarious time after Lights Out is a delicate balance of quiet alone time and catching up on my tv shows on DVR. But tonight, nothing could hold back my screams of sheer terror. AND THEN! I LOST IT!I LOST THE MCM!!
I could NOT find the damn thing on my beige and brown flecked berber shag carpet. Poor Mabes couldn't find it, either. I was gripping the broom ( luckily i had been trying to measure something just moments before. Ahhhh, The broom. Ye olde Appalachian Measurin' Stick!!) so tightly I thot the cheap metal handle would crumble. "FIND IT MAYBE! EAT THE *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*ING THING!" Finally the sweet mutt and I spotted the miniscule minion of Satan.
I pointed and commanded my trusty dog to commence to eatin! But I think the CMM must have flicked Maybe with its scorpion-like tail because the poor thing puffed, huffed and jumped back. Finally, after gathering her courage Mabes managed to keep her nose on it. But bless her lil puppy heart, she couldn't bring herself to eat it. I cant blame her.
Finally, Maybe nuzzled the MCM out of commision. I ginglerly pressed the bottom of the broom on top of the micro-sized hellish beast and slowly added my full weight to the bristles. I was PRAYING that I would NOT feel a...a... a pop. *shudder*
I just checked it under the broom. It was still. So I poked it. AND IT *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*ING MOVED!! Brian the hero hubs will be home in 45 minutes. I cannot go anywhere. I WILL not go back in there. I am being held hostage by a bug. I am a wuss. But so is my dog. ! I KNOW there is alien life on Earth! MORTEUS CRICKETICUS MAXIMUS ( totally made that up, btw)IS THE PROOF!
ps-im gonna have nightmares.