Sunday, December 2, 2012

A Migraine, Mr. Muzak, and Special Santa

Being functional while having a migraine is probably not unlike what a new born vampire must feel. Senses are heightened.  Insticts are more keenly felt and the need for survival is overwhelming, yet the want of sweet, sweet death isn't far away.  Emotions are charged as well. Something small that may only have been  merely bothersome under normal human circumstaces is now an event worth sobbing over. A slightly humorous event causes a fit of hysterical laughter,. Someone pisses you off and you very vividly imagine ripping their annoying-as-hell, ugly little head off and violently chewing it up like a piece of bubble gum from a quarter candy machine. 

For the past four days -and counting- I have had the misfortune of experincing  such a migraine headache while trying to help  coordinate two of the major events of the season at the mall, where I am employed with the Marketing Department: The Family Holiday Fashion Show,  and our Special Santa event for people with special needs.

On Friday I was miserable but I let Jen, my coworker, take the  reigns of the planning process. She usually does anyway, and she always does a great job.

But then...SATURDAY happened. And all unholy hell broke loose, literally AND figuratively, in my head.  Arriving "promptly" @ 8;45, a mere 15 minutes late, I clocked in and noticed that I had more trouble than usual lining up my time card. BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE IT. I was expereincng a werid visual distortion. A "sun spot" as I call it, had appered before my eyes, as if I had looked into a light or at the sun too long. Which I had not. Shruggin it of, I gathered up my promotional cart of Sensory Friendly goodies (squishy balls, splat eggs, bowls of dried beans and noodles and SO MUCH MORE!) and held on for dear life as I dragged the thing to my station behind Santas House. On the way, I crashed into the walls and doorways , becuase I was so dizzy and couldn't see, but dammit I made it there. I was quietly setting up my Sesnory Friendly Waiting Room for Special Santa when all of a sudden, the Muzak BLASTED over the loud speakers. I dropped my  bowl of dried beans. The clattering of the beans along with the heinous Muzak was absolute thunder ripping through my head. I covered my ears and tried to breathe, thinkin it was only THAT loud to me. Then one of my helpers gingerly tapped my shoulder. I unsquinted one eye to see that she was also covering her ears. "Isn't that sposed to be OFF?" she yelled over the din of "White Christmas"reverberating through my soul.  I just STARED at her and realized she could hear the noise, too. I nodded. The music in the mall was to be turned off duirng Special Santa. I called Margi, my boss so she called the Muzak guy and after thorughly chewing him out, she called me back assuring me the offending sound would be silenced for the remainder of the morning.

 WRONG. A few mintues later, the music overhead swelleld again. I contacted Margi, she in turn, contacted the Muzak guy. This happened three more times, each event tearing thru my ears and soul like a  hellish banshee screaming her demonic wail of terror. The last time, when we were  assaulted with Barbara Streisnad's GOD AWFUL jazz version of  "Jingle Bells" I took  matters into my OWN very shaky and sick hands. I texted Margi, "Music on. I'm hunting down Mr. Muzak now. I'm on zofran, pain killers, and ibuprofin. The police mught just have to taze me to pull me off this guy."  I sprinted (aka walked very quickly and with purpose. Momma don't run) to the Muzak closet and upon finding the sound board  abandoned, I  summoned up all of my strength and womanly powers ala She-Ra and PUNCHED!! all  off the ON switches  to "OFF"!! I then wrote a very seriel killer -esque note  to the Muzak guy:

LEAVE  THE MUSIC OFF!!!!!
Until 11:00.

 Which i taped to  the Muzak closet door before slamming it shut. I also accosted poor Mr. Muzak when I ran into him in the hallway. "HEY! HEY YOU!!! LEAVE THE MUSIC OFF!"

"It IS off, ma'am." he said skittishly.
"I KNOW  IT IS BECASUE I TURNED IT OFF!!" I roared as I sped past him back to the Sensory Friendly Waiting Room at Santa's house.

Other than that Muzak blip, Special Santa went remarkably well. I got a high five AND a fist pump from a cute lil boy with Down's Syndrome. I also  got to play in some beans with another cute baby boy with Down's who was sporting a  MOHAWK! Shut up, that was the CUTEST thing I have ever seen in all of my days. . I think. It'ss hard to tell when there is a swirling, pulsating wide blue dot in the middle of your field of vision.

Right  after Santa was over I had to switch into Fashion Mode and assist a young model in exchanging  her clothes, an HOUR before the show was to start. The store had opted to put this very young teen in a "biker mom" ensemble complete with studded, spiked black heels, and a leather jacket  which resembeled 18 year old  Sandy's bad girl jacket  in the finale of "Grease". Ummmmm NOOOO.   *I* disapproved IMMEDIATELY.  Upon hearing my words of disdain and disapproval, the skinny and surly store manager's  head spun around, and she got the crazy swirly red eyes of insanity  I'm not kidding. that happened for real. Pretty sure...

On auto-pilot by this point, I was the picture of professionalism, tact and grace as all the head bobbing attitude and vile words of condemnation and frustration spewed my way from the ridiculously serious store manager. Eventually, after I turned  down jeans ripped up to THERE and Hatler top after BAND-DOOO top (It's french, BITCH and it's pronounced,  "Band-O")  the inappropriate outfit was exchanged for a pretty, age appropraite one, with FLAT shoes and lovely winter white overcoat.  FINALLY, I fled that store in hopes of sitting down and chugging some much needed caffiene (caffiene helps migraines but I also can't SLEEP when I have a migraine so I REALLY needed that coffee and sugar rush) but nope. Another model had issues with her clothes (yes they try them on days before, but these are GIRLS we are talking about so there is ALWAYS drama!) so I was off to yet another store. This particular  store, known for their all-american style and silly commercials with 'live' mannequins was MUCH easier to work with and very undestanding that certain things happen last minute and were VERY accomodating.

So with THAT taken care of, I was off in search of coffee. Till I got stopped AGAIN. No coffee for me, time to start the show. I have very little recollection of the actual show, to tell you the truth. I know it went very well though!!!

By the time I got home, I felt like I had been run over by a truck(AGAIN!!) , tossed into the air and after landing on a guard rail, I then fell backward over a cliff and bounced all the way down before plunging into a  body-smashing, violent river of rapids and after figithing my way OUT of the murky, swirling water,  a giant hawk grabbed me in her cold, death-grip-of-death (yeah thats right) of her talons, her giant black iron claws cutting into my tender flesh, only to drop me hard on the ground because I was tooo squirmy and not worth the effort of hauling me to her nest, awaitng her dino sized babies to hatch out of their enomous eggs and eat me. THAT is HOW AWFUL I felt fter leaving the mall yesterday. Not one lil bit of exaggeration. Nope. Not one bit.

I am feeling better today, btw.  Less "new vampire" and more like the "fat, old Summer " I'm getting used to feeling like. The migraine is almost gone and I am spending the day with my baby girl for some much needed rest and relaxation. Also, my daughter Gillian is sick today. (GILLIAN) Hope I feel better! (SUMMER) I hope so too, baby!


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