Random Thoughts, Exboyfriend Edition

Is that him? No way, it CAN't be. I thought he was........

Yep. It's him alright.  And my kid's going over there to talk to his kid. EEEEEEEK!

Be cool. Walk, don't run. Things... are not...pretty when I run. Or, attempt to run I should say.

Tilt head only slightly coyly and TRY to listen to him.

Can he HEAR that?! My heart is beating so fast and hard! I'll bet he can SEE it thumping thru my shirt! It's becasue I sorta ran-walked chasing after Gilly. Yep, that's it...

Oh yuck! This SHIRT!!! A ratty WORk tee?!! AND MOM KHAKIS?! Am I SERIOUSLY WEARING MOM KHAKIS?!?!? Why couldn't I at least be wearing something that shows SOME amount of decolletage?! Anything to prove I "still got it."

Wait, do I  "still got it?"

I knew I should have freshened  my make-up before leaving the house. I'm not even wearing chapstick.

Crap. I'm not even wearing chapstick. My teeth are gonna get all oddly dry because I am smiling so much. Then when I go to speak up my gummy lips are gonna get stuck to my dry teeth and he's gonna think I'm snarling at him. SSSwwweeet.

Hey, stop SMILING so much!! He's gonna think you're flirting. Which you TOTALLY ARE NOT. You have a lovely boyfriend-husband-type person with whom you are madly in love and vice versa. Ohhh, try to work that into the conversation. That's good stuff right there!

DAANNNG ITTT!!! I had hot dogs for dinner. He hugs me for the first time in over a freakin DECADE  and I smell like hot dogs. Awesome.

Oh PLEASE don't let me have hot dog buns jammed in my teeth! GROSS!!!!

And do NOT yell out "I HAD HOT DOGS FOR DINNER, DONT WORRY. ITS NOT B.O.!" Because that will not make this exchange any less awkward.

Wow. He SOUNDS exaaaaaactly the same. Weird. Ew, do I sound the same as I did back then? I had hoped my voicebox would mellow a little by now. Is my voice all high and tinny and stupid-sounding like it was then?  Ok I'll consciously lower my voice a bit.  I'm sure that will sound COMPLETELy natural and not at all creepy or disturbing.

Nope. That was creepy and disturbing. At best. Clear throat and speak normally next time. If this noise I call a voice can be classified as  "normal"

I sooooo should have stuck to that hardcore diet/work out regime I started (two years ago).

Uncross those arms. Don't wanna appear defensive. But what to do with them now? No! Stop it!Am I REALLY twirling my hair?! I'm 35! Not 16!! Wait, I think I'm still only 34...wait, HOW old is Holly now???....

Don't look at him toooo terribly long. BUT! Dont avoid his gaze, either. That will seem shifty and suspicious. Of what, I don't know....

His eyelashes are still soooo amazing. Why do boys always get those heartbreakingly long, curly  lashes?

Did he get taller?! Have I shrunk?! Nah. I used to wear heels all the time. Ugh. When did I get so OLD?! When did my ankles get so weak? Prolly when I got so fat. And old. So old.  And  fat. So  fat...

And lastly, DO NOT under ANY circumstances say to this beautiful man, this man who has somehow become somewhat iconic to the 20something silly girl you once were (and  who you sometimes feel like you still  are)  do NOT say to him "Hey, prison was good for you! You look amazing!"

Because if you do sputter something so senseless and horrific like that at him, and he comes back with the sweetest, shy chuckle and a humble "Thanks, I'm doing better," it just wont seem fair. Not fair at all.

But it will be disarming. And it will seem like old times. Only different old times than the last time you spoke. Instead of "what classes are you taking?' or "where are you living now?" It'll be filling each other in on the happenings of  parents, spouses, kids and old neighborhood friends.

Then it'll be time to go and this oh so long moment will have only actually lasted a precious, fleeting nano-second.

And that's okay too. Say goodbye and don't look back.  There was enough of that back then. Times have changed. I have changed, he has changed.  And change can be good. So very , very good. So off I skipped (and by skipped I mean WALKED, slowly and deliberately so as to avoid any extra jiggling or face-planting) , holding my big baby girl's hand, happliy humming a song.

Oh shoot, was I just humming OUR song? That cheesy  one from the 90's? Did he HEAR that....?